If you believed they put a man on the moon...could you listen to him (for understanding)?
One of my favorite pieces of the NSRF Critical Friends Group New Coaches’ Training is the existence of “Agreements.” And admittedly, this was a component that I initially rejected as unimportant when I initially participated in the training. I was developing my ability to work with other adults...and adults don’t need structured group dynamic “agreements,” right?
Eventually, my appreciate of Agreements grew as I recognized they weren’t just about keeping my colleagues on task. Much more so, Agreements are about pushing one another to a higher state of awareness, as we strive to gather and understand the collective wisdom in the room. Furthermore, adhering to Agreements that are developed as a group tend to have positive effects outside of the group, as well. For instance, an Agreement that many groups adopt is to “assume good intentions” and to “listen for understanding.” While this is helpful in the group, it’s equally (or more so) valuable if we take these practices into our day-to-day interactions with all people!
Last week, while attending a Non-Violent Crisis Intervention training provided by the Crisis Prevention Institute, the “Listen for Understanding” Agreement became more clear to me than it ever had before. And while this training had several learning goals that can easily be applied to my future work, I was excited to see “listening for understanding” broken down into specific actions we can take, in a way I hadn’t seen before, through a method CPI calls Empathic Listening.
When I am learning something new, my brain likes to assign acronyms to the new ideas I am trying...or that I am trying to remember until they become second-nature. The acronym I came up with for Empathic Listening is LUNAR. This acronym works not only because key words in the act align with the letters L, U, N, A, and R, but also because when we are trying to listen for understanding, it is important for that person to know that we have given them our undivided attention. And for me, it helped to envision myself standing on the moon, in a “lunar” situation with one other person where all I had to focus on was his or her words. That would put me in a situation where I certainly could listen for understanding...unless I began to float away, of course.
So, put on your heaviest shoes and step onto the moon to do the following things...
L: Listen Carefully
CPI teaches the concept of para-verbals. Paying attention to one’s tone, volume, and cadence is just as valuable as what the person is saying him or herself.
U: Undivided Attention
Please put away all of your electronic devices and stow your tray-table. You need to make sure that person is getting all of your mental energy...and that should be easy when on the moon.
N: Non-judgemental
Assume good intentions and dare to open your mind and heart to the wisdom or awareness this person is attempting to empart.
A: Allow Silence for Reflection
Silence is okay. Simply sitting with a person’s words hanging in the air for all to grapple with and possibly to embrace is still giving that person’s idea appropriate consideration.
R: Restate and Paraphrase
Repeating another person’s words (and putting their statements into your own words) allow a person to feel heard and understood, even if you have to eventually disagree.
There are many different situations where we may “listen for understanding,” but no matter the situation, I hope you will consider these “LUNAR” principles and the Crisis Prevention Institute’s model for Empathic Listening the next time you encounter a person who needs to be heard. The next time I facilitate “Agreements” with my team, I will certainly use this acronym to help everyone internalize how important a LUNAR approach can be to helping the true wisdom of everyone in the room to be heard and harnessed for the benefit of all.
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