Accept that my actions have merit, even if you don’t see it yet.
This post is for January 6. To understand why that matters, I hope you will read my post from January 1. You can find it by clicking here: Inspiration and Serendipity
At a recent training, we went around the room and allowed each individual to identify her or his “core value.” This topic is one that I love, particularly because one of my most embarrassing interview moments came with this topic. After teaching for 8 years, I interviewed for an administrative position...and when I was asked to identify a core value, I froze like an alligator in the arctic. I never had given my core values much thought! From there on out, not only did I have a core value at the ready, I made sure the students I taught could identify one as well. Cleverly, because I taught high school English, I used my core values lesson as an opportunity to show students how to turn adjectives into abstract nouns. However, in my instruction of this concept, I never neglected to share my interview faux pas.
I write all of this to share that I have heavily pondered what characteristic is most valuable at my core. As students shared their core values each year, I would revisit my own beliefs. However, no core value was ever able to unseat “acceptance” as the value I cherished the most. It is most important to me that the people I encounter feel comfortable being their true selves without fear of judgement. I want to meet them where they are in their lives and help them to continue their journey forward. However, importantly, I do not believe that acceptance is limited to “treating others as equals.” I think it is much more than that. It is for this reason that some of the ideas shared at last week’s training were so invaluable to me. Acceptance seemed to be a theme that was addressed on multiple occasions, and I would like to share two beautiful new ways that I was taught by our training facilitator to look at this value that I hold so dear:
Take a moment and consider the “mistakes” you have made in your life. I hope you have learned from your mistakes; I hope I have properly learned from mine...but what if I didn’t have a choice? What would others decide about me? Where would my mistake rank? While I know it is strictly hypothetical to consider this possibility, it reminds me that I should not judge another for his or her actions when I have actions in my past that might warrant some criticism of their own.
Ironically, I won’t share the biggest mistake I have ever made with you here, for fear of being judged. However, I wish I could...because chances are, you have done something equally as embarrassing or shameful. In short, I have lived my life striving to lift others up rather than to break them down. So, if I hurt another person emotionally, mentally, or physically, I feel horrible about it. I believe that my experiences having wronged another have taught me how to treat others better in my future. The next time I think about judging another for his or her past actions, I will pause and consider my own “thing I am least proud of” before I pass judgement.
When I continue to consider that biggest mistake, the one that I wouldn’t quite share with you earlier in this blog post, I recognize and sincerely believe that my intentions were good. If I hurt that other person, it certainly wasn’t on purpose; I may have even thought it was right...right up until the second that it wasn’t. However, I may be the only person who sees it that way because I am judging myself by my intentions. In fact, I may know others who have made the same mistake I made...and I may have judged them at the time. However, if I can learn to live by this new philosophy of considering the intentions of others rather than judging their behaviors or actions at face value, I may be able to help those people through a problem, rather than making it worse.
It is appropriate for me here to note that I know there is a limit to the extent that “acceptance” can be given for some crimes committed unto others. Certainly, it is impossible to forgive some actions. However, for the purposes of this blog post, I hope you will focus on the judgments you have been making in your life.
Importantly, choosing acceptance over judgement is not always about those actions in our lives of which we are most ashamed. Often, judgement happens around typical day-to-day decisions. While I wish I knew more about “typical” workplaces, I know that schools are places where judgement is distinctly all around us. Unfortunately, judgement often comes from students who are critical of one another for differences they exude or for the social norms they may choose to break. They go against the grain and suffer the consequences as a result. I imagine that most adults can recall a time when one was judged as a student, but I also imagine that it is those of us who are most reflective about it that value acceptance at the level that I do.
I was fortunate to have had a turning point that changed my perception about being judged. In my 7th grade reading class, I had a teacher who told me that he was going to start calling me Maverick. Even though I was inwardly pleased to be labeled with a name given to Tom Cruise in Top Gun, I immediately jumped to questioning his comment. Why, Mr. Y (that was really what we called him because his last name began with Y), would you want to call me Maverick. A maverick, he explained was somebody who didn’t mind being different. And while he never called me that in class, it was our inside joke. He gave me the confidence I needed to decide that being a maverick was actually kind of cool. For the record, I saw him years later and was able to thank him for this revelation. However, if I hadn’t had the experience of being judged for being different, accepting others may not be as high on my priority list.
Similarly (and unfortunately), when you are a teacher whose work is on display for students and colleagues to assess each day, you are sure to be judged. As a teacher, I don’t think I ever stopped being judged by others...but this is because I made countless decisions each day and others were sure to have handled some of them differently. Some of these decisions, even those that seemed of little “big picture” importance could lead to judgement being passed...
I remember managing a classroom during a 90-minute schoolwide study hall. I usually relented in the final 10 minutes and let the students chat. Frequently, they would get a little loud when I let this happen (because keeping kids quiet for 80 minutes goes against some of their natural needs, I believe). On one occasion, a teacher walked in hoping to make a quick announcement to some of my students. After glaring at me for a moment, she lifted her voice above theirs and made her announcement, but only after reprimanding them for their lack of control of their own voices. From there on out, I felt judged by this colleague. I was the guy who didn’t structure his classroom, whereas truthfully my students knew when they could talk and when to get serious. While this example is one that comes to mind, I could identify dozens of examples when I handled a circumstance different from a colleague...and I wish these individuals hadn’t judged me for it.
“Acceptance” isn’t just about treating one another as equals. This is important...but I believe it is more so about acknowledging that one person’s decisions or way of doing things may have some merit, and it’s about assuming that another person’s intentions were good, even if we can’t understand those intentions at the time. Don’t allow judgement to prevent you from growing relationships with those around you. Instead, find new ways to prioritize acceptance as a core value.
At a recent training, we went around the room and allowed each individual to identify her or his “core value.” This topic is one that I love, particularly because one of my most embarrassing interview moments came with this topic. After teaching for 8 years, I interviewed for an administrative position...and when I was asked to identify a core value, I froze like an alligator in the arctic. I never had given my core values much thought! From there on out, not only did I have a core value at the ready, I made sure the students I taught could identify one as well. Cleverly, because I taught high school English, I used my core values lesson as an opportunity to show students how to turn adjectives into abstract nouns. However, in my instruction of this concept, I never neglected to share my interview faux pas.
I write all of this to share that I have heavily pondered what characteristic is most valuable at my core. As students shared their core values each year, I would revisit my own beliefs. However, no core value was ever able to unseat “acceptance” as the value I cherished the most. It is most important to me that the people I encounter feel comfortable being their true selves without fear of judgement. I want to meet them where they are in their lives and help them to continue their journey forward. However, importantly, I do not believe that acceptance is limited to “treating others as equals.” I think it is much more than that. It is for this reason that some of the ideas shared at last week’s training were so invaluable to me. Acceptance seemed to be a theme that was addressed on multiple occasions, and I would like to share two beautiful new ways that I was taught by our training facilitator to look at this value that I hold so dear:
1
Ask yourself, “What would you do if the one thing people knew about you before you met is the one thing of which you are least proud?”
Take a moment and consider the “mistakes” you have made in your life. I hope you have learned from your mistakes; I hope I have properly learned from mine...but what if I didn’t have a choice? What would others decide about me? Where would my mistake rank? While I know it is strictly hypothetical to consider this possibility, it reminds me that I should not judge another for his or her actions when I have actions in my past that might warrant some criticism of their own.
Ironically, I won’t share the biggest mistake I have ever made with you here, for fear of being judged. However, I wish I could...because chances are, you have done something equally as embarrassing or shameful. In short, I have lived my life striving to lift others up rather than to break them down. So, if I hurt another person emotionally, mentally, or physically, I feel horrible about it. I believe that my experiences having wronged another have taught me how to treat others better in my future. The next time I think about judging another for his or her past actions, I will pause and consider my own “thing I am least proud of” before I pass judgement.
2
Consider this: “We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their behaviors and actions.”
When I continue to consider that biggest mistake, the one that I wouldn’t quite share with you earlier in this blog post, I recognize and sincerely believe that my intentions were good. If I hurt that other person, it certainly wasn’t on purpose; I may have even thought it was right...right up until the second that it wasn’t. However, I may be the only person who sees it that way because I am judging myself by my intentions. In fact, I may know others who have made the same mistake I made...and I may have judged them at the time. However, if I can learn to live by this new philosophy of considering the intentions of others rather than judging their behaviors or actions at face value, I may be able to help those people through a problem, rather than making it worse.
It is appropriate for me here to note that I know there is a limit to the extent that “acceptance” can be given for some crimes committed unto others. Certainly, it is impossible to forgive some actions. However, for the purposes of this blog post, I hope you will focus on the judgments you have been making in your life.
Importantly, choosing acceptance over judgement is not always about those actions in our lives of which we are most ashamed. Often, judgement happens around typical day-to-day decisions. While I wish I knew more about “typical” workplaces, I know that schools are places where judgement is distinctly all around us. Unfortunately, judgement often comes from students who are critical of one another for differences they exude or for the social norms they may choose to break. They go against the grain and suffer the consequences as a result. I imagine that most adults can recall a time when one was judged as a student, but I also imagine that it is those of us who are most reflective about it that value acceptance at the level that I do.
I was fortunate to have had a turning point that changed my perception about being judged. In my 7th grade reading class, I had a teacher who told me that he was going to start calling me Maverick. Even though I was inwardly pleased to be labeled with a name given to Tom Cruise in Top Gun, I immediately jumped to questioning his comment. Why, Mr. Y (that was really what we called him because his last name began with Y), would you want to call me Maverick. A maverick, he explained was somebody who didn’t mind being different. And while he never called me that in class, it was our inside joke. He gave me the confidence I needed to decide that being a maverick was actually kind of cool. For the record, I saw him years later and was able to thank him for this revelation. However, if I hadn’t had the experience of being judged for being different, accepting others may not be as high on my priority list.
Similarly (and unfortunately), when you are a teacher whose work is on display for students and colleagues to assess each day, you are sure to be judged. As a teacher, I don’t think I ever stopped being judged by others...but this is because I made countless decisions each day and others were sure to have handled some of them differently. Some of these decisions, even those that seemed of little “big picture” importance could lead to judgement being passed...
I remember managing a classroom during a 90-minute schoolwide study hall. I usually relented in the final 10 minutes and let the students chat. Frequently, they would get a little loud when I let this happen (because keeping kids quiet for 80 minutes goes against some of their natural needs, I believe). On one occasion, a teacher walked in hoping to make a quick announcement to some of my students. After glaring at me for a moment, she lifted her voice above theirs and made her announcement, but only after reprimanding them for their lack of control of their own voices. From there on out, I felt judged by this colleague. I was the guy who didn’t structure his classroom, whereas truthfully my students knew when they could talk and when to get serious. While this example is one that comes to mind, I could identify dozens of examples when I handled a circumstance different from a colleague...and I wish these individuals hadn’t judged me for it.
“Acceptance” isn’t just about treating one another as equals. This is important...but I believe it is more so about acknowledging that one person’s decisions or way of doing things may have some merit, and it’s about assuming that another person’s intentions were good, even if we can’t understand those intentions at the time. Don’t allow judgement to prevent you from growing relationships with those around you. Instead, find new ways to prioritize acceptance as a core value.
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